Listening With Fourteen Hearts

As I am sure you have experienced, or at very least gathered, creating a healing space is a huge part of my practice. I often say half the work is done before a needle is even picked up.

Part of this comes from intuition, but I’ve also studied large parts of counselling, where the importance of listening was emphasised again and again. Over the past two weeks, I’ve been reading Kiku (聞く), by Haru Yamada, which is a book entirely about listening.

Kiku is a Japanese word that can be understood as ‘listening with fourteen hearts’. It’s a beautiful phrase, but also a deeply practical one. Listening isn’t politely nodding, waiting for your turn to speak, or thinking of what to have for dinner while someone is talking.

Listening with fourteen hearts is a form of active, attentive listening that goes past the surface. The idea is that we don’t just listen with our ears, but with our attention, our body, our intuition, our history, and our care. Modern life has turned many of us into fast listeners: we skim conversations the way we skim emails, jump quickly to solutions, and interrupt out of impatience. Deep listening asks us to slow down.

This matters enormously both in the clinic and in everyday life. People often come to us with pains or problems expecting advice, treatment, or a plan. Yet something more subtle and more profound often comes first: the experience of being fully heard.

When someone feels genuinely listened to and understood, their nervous system settles. Their story becomes clearer, and often important details surface. Good listening isn’t just good manners. It’s therapeutic. It often reveals things that were never going to show up in the first place.

If you’d like to experiment with this yourself with partners, children, colleagues, or even your own body, here are three simple practices:

1. Pause half a beat longer than feels natural
Most of us respond too quickly. Try silently counting “one” before replying. That tiny pause often gives the other person space to add what they really meant and gives you time to respond more thoughtfully.

2. Listen for what isn’t being said
Deep listening notices not just words, but tone, pace, and hesitation. Where did their voice soften? Where did it tighten? What did they almost say? You don’t need to analyse it out loud; often, simply noticing can massively improve the quality of your attention.

3. Put your body on the same team as your ears
Listening is physical. Soften your shoulders, uncross your arms, and let your face be responsive. People feel the difference immediately. Your body often listens before your mind does.

Listening is one of the most powerful skills we have and one of the least taught. It deserves far more space in our schools, workplaces, and homes. I hope this email gives you a moment to pause, think, and reflect on how well you listen.

And finally, remember: it isn’t always your job to solve someone’s problems. Sometimes the most helpful thing you can offer is your presence, your attention, and a simple acknowledgement of “that sounds really tough”. 

Acknowledging someone’s experience can be deeply validating and hence healing.